Sunday, September 30, 2001

Hmmm.... things have been pretty good lately. This was a really fun weekend (besides my x-country meet, which was discouraging more than anything- my main problem is I'm too well trained as a human, i.e., if it hurts, I don't want to do it. none of this pain as pleasure stuff for me, I'd prefer to be walking or swimming or lying in the sun than making myself sprint for 25 minutes [if I'm lucky] under the blazing hot sun). But BESIDES that- Zoe's party was a lot of fun, that was the main even of my weekend. It was cool because I knew basically everyone in all of her various groups of friends, so I circulated. :-) Sometimes I feel that moving around from conversation to conversation can be a bad thing, but in this case it was good, because (most of the time) I wasn't feeling like I was missing out on something else. I just got to talk with/hang out with people I haven't really talked to in a while, if ever, and that was fun. And I got poked a lot. That was okay.

I've been having weird mood swings lately - they're not really mood swings, though, because that would imply something reasonably regular (sinusoidal, perhaps... ms. rubin would be proud), and they're not. Just random dips down to unhappiness, or not even unhappiness- just tears. I really don't understand it. You'd think that there was something really wrong for someone to randomy cry all the time, but I don't feel like this is. Unless I'm in denial even to myself, which I usually don't do. So hopefully my head will work itself out, and maybe in the same time teach me that running is fun!

Tuesday, September 25, 2001

Word of the day: ouch. I hit my ankle really, really hard on the corner of a wall (if that sounds funny now, you should have been there... people were having WAY too much fun laughing at the situation), and now it's throbbing, even though I've been good about icing it. So now I haven't run since Friday- very bad because tomorrow we go to Peninsula, which is the hardest course with the best team in all of Southern California (basically). Oh well. I hope I do okay- actually, I hope my ankle doesn't get any worse, because it's hurting to walk right now. And as much as I like to think I'd run through the pain, I'd probably have a lot of problems forcing myself to actually do it.

Today was okay- it was weird because not only were periods really short, we had an "evacuation drill" which combined earthquake safety (drop and cover) with everyone else. And it was really, really hot, which threw me off. It's so strange when we have weather like this in the middle of school. This is July weather, and for some reason it got transplanted from July to September.

Weather that fits into another month kind of reminds me of something... sometimes I feel like I'm in the past, like September of last year or even ninth grade. Everything that's going on just fits into that year, not this one. When I first talked to Robert on a school night, that felt so, so familiar- it was the exact same way it felt back in ninth grade. And right now I'm listening to Blink 182, which was my first real CD and favorite band, and I haven't listened to them forever. So it's like going back. It's a confusing feeling - I feel like I've grown past everything that I was like back then, and it's a shock to suddenly find myself there again for a few minutes.

Sunday, September 23, 2001

I'm in a really good mood... not necessarily good as in happy (though it is that), but just good. Like the difference between awesome as early 90s slang and awesome as in truly awe-inspiring. They're on two totally different levels, and right now, I'm on the higher one.

Everything right now just seems right. Centered and under control. I've been reading a lot of good things lately - mostly short stories, and that has led me into wanting to write. So I've been writing, which is really great. I think my english teacher will be a little confused by the paragraph I wrote on "The Solace of Open Spaces." We were supposed to write about how the piece reflects the title, and I did that, but I also enfused it with a lot of my own random thoughts. On subject, of course, but I don't think it was exactly what she is looking for. Oh well, it was rewarding anyways. I'm just in a centered mood which completely tied in with all that the author was writing about. Sometimes I get like this and I think it's the way people must feel when they meditate, and they're aware of the calm that they're coming to. It's a good feeling.

I also just started reading e.e. cummings, and I am totally in love with his work. I feel like sharing it with everyone I know, and I can't decide whether the fact that I want to tell so many people about it makes it less special for those that I tell (because they're not singled out) or more special because I'm just sharing what I think is great. I go through this dilemma a lot - after recommending the same book to tons of people, I had to question whether I was recommending it for them or just for myself. A little of both, I think.

I just want to share one poem with anyone and everyone who reads this (it's one of my favorites but it's also the easiest to type out):






Think about it. Isn't it amazing?

I also made a playlist of all of my calming and relaxing songs, to which some metallica songs (strange, I know) will need to be added. They totally fit my mood right now and I hope that I can go back and listen to them and feel the same way (or close) to how I feel right now. It's more than happy, it's content, and though that may seem to be a weaker adjective, I really think it's a stronger one.

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Today was a pretty pointless day - we didn't do too much in any of my classes because of Rosh Hashanah, and also because of that, some of the people I wanted to talk to weren't there. I think that was part of the reason my day wasn't too great- I missed some of the random conversations I have with people. I think I was just in a social mood today and the lack of people stifled that.

In other news... not too much other news. My life has been rather uneventful lately. I really like Acadeca (even though we have a report thing due tomorrow which I have yet to start). But the trivia games are fun. A girl who plays soccer is in that class... I don't know how to spell her name. Roey? That's how it's pronounced... but anyways, she tore her ACL and can't play for a while. Which is bad, but Lucy and I realized that she plays on the right side, which is where we play, so maybe we have a better chance. But there are so many new people who look like they're on varsity! I'm really scared I won't get on- I haven't played for a really long time so I'm really rusty. I really want to play at that level of soccer again, and also be on a varsity team. I always thought I would have my letter by junior year and I don't. :-( My fault for getting really out of shape, but still. I hope it can happen this year. After all, what's the point of having a varsity jacket when you're out of high school?

Saturday, September 15, 2001

Halfway through the weekend - it's been pretty good so far. I think I'm coming down from wherever I've been for the last week or so and am actually able to socialize like an intelligent person. I swear, for the past few days, I couldn't think of anything to say to anyone I talked to. And school has made it harder too - it's weird having class conversations again. You know, the kind of conversations you have in between lecture topics, with people you don't even talk to outside of that period. Luckily, most of those "class friends" are also my real friends, so it makes it even more fun. We can have conversations about things besides the teacher and our weekends.

Speaking of class friends, another version of them is my track buddies. I'm so glad that I have good friends on that team now. Freshman year, I barely knew anyone. But now I actually know people, and today we went to brunch, which was a lot of fun. It was the first time I've hung out with most of them outside of running. Today I ran with Steph, and we talked the whole time, mostly about our respective "groups". It was cool talking to her, and it also made the run go SO much faster. I love when that happens.

Okay, I have to go eat. Look, two days in a row, aren't you proud?

Thursday, September 13, 2001

Well, it's been a few weeks, and a lot has happened in those few weeks... more in the last few days than anything else. But this is the first time I've been online in a while that I can actually update, and I've been gently "encouraged" to do it as well.

For the last few days, I've been on another plane of thought - everything that's been going on around me just seems kind of inconsequential. I've been going through the motions, but it all just seems so unreal. Maybe it's just that I haven't been sleeping well lately, but I think all the events in New York really got to me.... it hit me deep down and just stayed there. I could barely cry yesterday about Mama Bunny- I just kind of stood there, hugging people. But I needed to be hugged too, and luckily people noticed... I don't know, it's all so unreal and unbelievable. But I don't really want to talk about it anymore right now... I've been talking and writing and thinking about death and destruction for the past few days, and it's the last thing I need to KEEP thinking about. So... I just want to say that my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who has been affected by this horrible tragedy, and... well, I just can't believe that anything like this could happen, so I hope that nothing happens like this ever again.

So... what else is new? School is new since I last wrote. Overall, I like all my classes, but they've just been so disrupted lately it's hard to say. I'm really glad I have Ms. Horn for English - it's so great really analyzing and understanding stuff.

OK, this is dumb... I feel like I'm updating my relatives who I see once or twice a year about what's new in my life (I had to do that this weekend - my step grandma interrogated all of us, including my parents and my aunt and uncle). So, I'll try to update more often, but if I don't, remember that I don't come online as often as some people, and so don't taunt me with "Oh, look, Emily - your blog STILL isn't updated!" ;-)