Thursday, November 29, 2001

I've been thinking about life in terms of something a little strange lately: graphs. Yes, that's right, graphs. A combination of acadeca statistics and math class, I suppose, but for some reason, I keep thinking of graphs. Sine type graphs for my emotions, a pie chart for the percent of time I spend doing certain things, a bar graph (histogram!) for the different amounts of happiness in the different parts of my life. It would be interesting to have a personal statistician to find out these sort of things for you- mathematical psychological analysis.

Sometimes I feel like such a nerd when I think about things like that, but then I realize that I use "I'm a nerd!" as too much of a joking excuse to really believe it. I say I hate it when people are self-deprecating unecessarily, but I keep doing it. I think it's because of my soccer team- they just talk in a certain way and style that I have my own way of fitting in with. They're a bunch of fun girls- it's really the best word to use. Fun to be around, fun to hang out with. Most of them aren't really my kind of people (people in my tribe.... where do I get that from?), but I've learned over the years how to be me around these people but still fit in as much as I can. Maybe I'm just the quirky junior, but I don't really mind anymore.

Good day today. Friends are the spice of life, new and old. Talking can make me so happy sometimes.
This reminds me of more than a few people I know- it's from last sunday, but I cut it out to give to Jocelyn and I decided to share it with everyone.

Life in the box- it can be nice sometimes.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

Conversations make me happy.

Being ignored makes me sad.

I wish everything else was that simple...

Monday, November 26, 2001

I'm listening to "Stairway to Heaven" as the wind blows harshly outside my window, and all of a sudden I feel peaceful. Maybe I'm just tired- tired of worrying or tired of thinking- but everything seems okay. I don't know why this is.

I was just reading over old emails and they reminded me of a lot of good things that I have. I feel like giving a belated thanksgivings thanks to anything and everyone that have illuminated even one moment of my life over the years. Think about it- maybe it means more when it's not required.

Sunday, November 25, 2001

I just got back from Yosemite, and I can't decide two things: whether I had a good time and whether I'm happy to be back. And these are pretty important things to know, especially when people ask "How was your Thanksgiving weekend?"

I mean, it was fun- rain blowing at 45 degree angles, waking up to snow this morning, not having any leftovers because there were eight of us (half growing girls), making/eating delectable pumpkin pie... but I feel like I should have gotten more out of it. I want to say I had a lot of time to think, and relax, and understand things more, but it really didn't happen that way. Most of the time I was just dazed - eating or sleeping in true Thanksgiving style for the whole weekend - and when I did think about things, I came to no conclusions. I guess I really just want my life laid out for me- I know everyone says how bad it would be, because then there'd be no surprises, but sometimes it would be nice to know what's coming, and maybe even have the power to point to a certain spot in your life and say "I want to go there" and then be there.

Right now I want to take about 20 people and go back to Yosemite (or somewhere equally remote and beautiful) and stay there for a month. I feel like there's only a few people around here who I want to see (and who want to see me) and I'm just fed up with it all.

One (very random) surprise- someone named Lexi apparently called to invite me to Savannah's surprise party on saturday- I don't really know either of these people. Very strange.

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

How annoying- for some reason, I couldn't remember what my blogger user name was and I had to go through all the red tape of getting it emailed to me- reminds me of all the crap I had to go through just to leave for 6th period for an activity for my 6th period class. You'd think they'd understand that- but no.

We had our first soccer game today, and I remembered why I love soccer so much. It's seriously the thing I've been doing longest and best (not counting natural things like breathing, eating and reading), and so it's something I'm just so familiar with that it's almost comforting to do. A comfort activity. But I had a really great time, and we played really well- and being captain is fun! I've never been in the front of the line for anything, and now I have special privileges! Yay!

Now that I've gotten everything done, I have little to no desire to go on vacation. I still think I'll enjoy it, but it's not as necessary for my health (and it really was something I needed) as it was before. But now I'm sad I'm going to miss whatever activities this four day weekend holds with all of my friends. I hope everyone has a good thanksgiving that is as family-y as it should be, and you don't miss me too much! Thanksgiving really is a great holiday- I'm not sure why, I guess I've just been trained to think so- but I'm definitely getting the warm, fuzzy holiday feeling.

Look at this picture. No matter what your politics, it will put a smile on your face.

Monday, November 19, 2001

I'm not at my clarinet lesson right now, because all I feel like doing is curling up under a blanket in the dark and slipping away. I did that for a while, though, and nothing got better, and so now I'm on my computer, listening to "Leaving on a Jet Plane" over and over (why? I really don't know. maybe escapist fantasies- y'know, "damn, I wish I was leaving on a jet plane right now." but I doubt it). I feel like everything is piling up and up and I'm at the bottom, and the only reason I know I still exist is because of the pain in my shoulders. Two advils and it's still there!

Sometimes I'm just so disgusted by the world and the people in it. I don't know how people could be so thoughtless and senseless and cruel. The more people who die, the more I'm afraid- not just of death, but of pain and tangible things. I don't understand death fully enough to be frightened by it, I can only be afraid in the same way I'm afraid of anything unknown, which can only reach certain levels. But I can imagine pain and cruelty and that's scarier than anything.

Strange thing- before I sat down to write this, I didn't think I was afraid of death, or anything for that matter. I wasn't even thinking of my stress in terms of the events that took place on friday, and the events that are taking place all over the world right now. That's what writing is for, I suppose. You can be surprised by yourself sometimes.

Anyways... what I want most in the world right now is for it not to be now. But as that can't happen, I guess I just have to deal as well as I can right now. Julia wrote on the board in the locker room today "Live life to its fullest!" and I really want to be able to follow that advice. Because it's true more than anything, and no matter how many times you realize it, you have to follow it to really understand it.

RIP Deanna Maran

Sunday, November 18, 2001

For the last week or so, I kept wanting to come here and write random observations about the world around me, etc... but I decided against it because I feel dumb doing short little updates when I don't update that often, and it was all just part of my evil master plan to make me not work on my essay. And so, in the noble fight against procrastination, my urges to update were stifled. Not that it helped my procrastinating any (I have just finished my essay, when I was supposed to have a rough draft last thursday), but it did make me feel better at the time, because at least I had one less thing on my list of time-wasting activities.

Life... is good. Just stressful. Very stressful. But that doesn't mean it's not good. Right now, my stress is focused on school- I've stopped worrying too much about friend situations and things like that simply because I don't have time. But overall, I suppose it's a little healthier. I'm going away for all of Thanksgiving weekend, and though I know that halfway through I will want nothing more than to come home, and even right now there are things I'm disappointed I'll be missing, I'm definitely looking forward to it. I just really need to relax, and Yosemite seems like an ideal place to do it in. Hopefully teachers won't be evil and assign lots of homework.... and I won't get sick of anyone I'm there with. Five days is a lot. But if I look back at my last five days (which were good, don't get me wrong, but all had elements I would have preffered to avoid) and think that they will be replaced by memories of Yosemite, I can't wait.