Saturday, December 29, 2001

I'm listening to the rain, and to songs that make me think of rainy days. A little much, probably. I'll let you decipher the symbolism of the grey day and the quiet music.

Friday, December 28, 2001

Have you ever been buried by beauty, borne of someone you don't know and brought to you by the miracles of modern technology? I have.

(Thanks Melike for the link on your page)
Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven

Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland

Sally ,take my hand
Travel south crossland
Put out the fire
Don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together
Before we get much older

Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Oh, oh
Teenage wasteland
They're all wasted!

~The Who, Baba O'Reily (Teenage Wasteland)

Tuesday, December 25, 2001

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrated the birth of Jesus this morning. Because "Happy Birthday" isn't a Christmas carol, I guess my favorite fun one would have to be Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Christmas don't be late." It doesn't quite bring out that beautiful holiday feeling, but it definitely puts a smile on my face. I remember being in New York a few years ago, swinging in a playground in Central Park and singing "Me, I want a hu-la hooop!" at the top of my lungs with my sister and my dad.

Besides that note of christmas cheer, today has been relaxing and very non-christmasy. I read a lot and started messing around on the guitar again. I also finally found the name of a song we used to sing at camp and I absolutely loved- "Song for Judith." And the John Denver song is really called "Song for Annie," for all who care to know. If you're in the mood for corniness and/or the good feeling folk songs give you, listen to either of them and prepare to have a warm fuzzy feeling come over you.

Monday, December 24, 2001

I made a to-do list late last night of everything I should do today, responsible and otherwise. I have finished all of the responsible/productive stuff, and now I'm on to bigger and funner things. I feel so organized!

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy

Sunday, December 23, 2001

Have I not updated since Thursday? I guess blogger never lies, but I could have sworn I at least made a concerted effort. Ah well, just another one of those things that doesn't make sense, like the results of the x-country secret santa.

Break has started, and it feels good. It's amazing how little stress there is when school isn't looming over your head. Of course, that stress is lurking right around the corner, ready to pounce at any time- I felt its bite tonight when I realized I had to be at souplantation in an hour and I still had to get my person a present. But it all worked out, with only the mild annoyance of parking trouble and old ladies. And the actual dinner was really nice. I love hanging out with those girls!

The other events this vacation have been good too. I always have extreme expectations for events such as those that have been happening, and though most of reality doesn't match up exactly with what I had hoped for, it's been pretty close to what I wanted. And in addition, there's not the pressure of having a really great friday because it's such a big percentage of your break- instead, I can relax and rely on the fact that I have two more weeks to have at least one perfect day.

I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's this morning, and I absolutely loved it. It's a good story when you think about it, but I think I was more blown away by Audrey Hepburn than anything else. She really is just as beautiful and stylish as she's supposed to be. I'm totally falling in love with that era- the late 50s. There was Pleasantville and Breakfast at Tiffany's, and then my coat and my skirt... I just love the clothes and the styles and the people. I think I've always wanted a simpler existence than we live in now, and though I know (a)in both movies, the existence wasn't really that great, and in fact one of them was about how impossible it is, and (b)real life wasn't really like that... it's still nice to dream

Thursday, December 20, 2001

I had a really crappy day today. It was simply horrible, for no particular reason. Just an overall feeling of uncomfortableness, stress, tiredness and hunger. And it lasted forever! I was going to come online and bitch about it, but I was simply too exhausted. And now, things are much better! So be grateful- you missed a serious rant.

The choir concert is what saved me. It was great- beautiful voices, beautiful songs, beautiful people. And I saw someone I haven't seen for a year or two- hopefully we'll get a chance to hang out over this break. It wasn't rewarding in ways I had hoped it to be, but it was good. I came out of the auditorium and it was raining, and that just made me happy. A good song for it (Linkin Park-My December) was on the radio, and things were momentarily right in the world.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

It's funny even when I feel most alone, I realize that we're all going through the same sort of thing. Half of the people whose blogs I checked when I came online today were talking about the confusion they were going through, the isolation they were feeling, etc. And I too have been going through bouts of self-examination and confusing thought patterns. Today in English, my "write-off" turned into an introspective journal essay, which I was a little nervous to share, but after reading it, Sophie agreed with me about so much of what I had said that I wanted to add "I AM NOT ALONE!!" onto the bottom. Too bad our time was up.

For me, nervous energy and the inability to concentrate have alternated with intense bouts of sleepiness, and strange dreams where I thought I was awake talking to my sister about how I had been sleeping with my eyes open, and other strange subjects. I think I need this break, yet I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. Hopefully things will work out in my head, and then in everything around me.

"Her face felt like it was scattered in pieces, and she could not keep it straight. The feeling was a whole lot worse than being hungry for any dinner, but it was like that. I want-- I want-- I want-- was all that she could think about-- but just what this real want was she did not know."
- Mick Kelly, in "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"

Monday, December 17, 2001

I'm downloading corny folk songs we used to sing at Jameson, and things are feeling more right than they have in a bit. I almost feel like I'm outside in Rose Arbor, nestled in with people I just had an overwhelming love for, for no other reason than they were there with me during that moment, during that song. I feel like I should need someone now, but I don't- I feel like they're already here.
Though my back is trying to make me believe I'm stressed by doing a pretty good imitation of pain, I really think I'm not. Or if I am, I'm separated from it so much that it doesn't even matter. If I start thinking about things I should be worried about, I still don't get too worried. I just wonder why I'm not furrowing my brow over them, and then go on to thinking about other things.

But one thing that stands out in those random bouts of worrying is college. All of a sudden, college (and more importantly, getting in) has become a huge presence in my life. Everyone who applied early is finding out whether they're in, or deferred, or just plain rejected. And some people who should have gotten the letter already still have an agonozing wait by the mailbox. Also, all the seniors from last year were suddenly back today- I guess it's winter break for them. But is was weird seeing this people in another context beside that of a fellow student. I mean, I knew Joe Green went away to Harvard, but it became a stark reality today when I saw him in Gaida's classroom, looking a bit disheveled... and then looked around the room and saw two people who had just been deferred. That seems like it should create a clear juxtaposition, but it really didn't- it kind of just showed me how real all of it is. And getting back PSAT scores added to the burden. I'm happy with my score, when I talk to 99 percent of the people at our school. But that other 1%... who I spend more time with anyone.... that's what's bugging me. Because I did well, better than I've ever done before. But they still did better than I did, and with people like Mina Chen (11 AP girl) not getting into Harvard, it makes me wonder what's in store for me.

Sunday, December 16, 2001

How annoying- I posted earlier today and blogger wasn't working- it kept saying "Try back in 15 minutes"... every 15 minutes. Oh well- it wasn't a very exciting post. You're not missing too much.

Tonight was really nice. We had a "latke party" which I had been only mildly looking forward to, but it turned out to be one of those classic grown-up party evenings which I always really enjoy. Good conversation, good food and good company. There were, of course, some good teenage moments too, but those definitely added to the evening instead of making it seem dumb. I have to put May 12th on my calendar! :-)
I really like instances like tonight when I can just talk to random people about random things. And because they're adults, I suppose I don't feel like I'm being judged. Anything mildy intelligent I say will seem almost impressive, and if I'm quite it's okay, because they'll just think I'm a quiet (or maybe depressed) teen. For some reason I was really opinionated in what I said- I surprised myself. Sometimes my brain and my tongue just work together well and I feel almost like a different person.

Actually, I've been feeling like a different person a lot lately. Sometimes I look at myself (and the people around me) and I/they just don't seem like people I know. Sometimes they remind me of other people I know, and sometimes I just feel like I'm in a totally different world than the one I've come to expect.

Another thing I've been thinking about is just that- thinking about things. I wonder how many people self-examine themselves as much as I and the people I know seem to do? I'd like to think it's a universal thing, and know that we all have a pretty good understanding of ourselves and at least an interpretation for the people around us, but sometimes I wonder. I look at some people and just can't imagine thoughts like that going through their heads. And even knowing that you don't know yourself that well is a sign of it- if someone responded to my question like that I think I'd still nod and think that they were pretty cool, at least in my book.

Friday, December 14, 2001

I've been listening to "Ruby Tuesday" over and over again for the last 20 minutes or so- the glory of the "replay" button on winamp continues to astound me! But it's such a good song; I've been wanting to hear it since somewhere in the movie tonight, when it was playing and I was thinking "wow, this is a really good song"- and then the chorus came and I was excited, because I realized I actually knew it!

I saw The Royal Tanenbaums. Definitely one to be filed under "dark comedy". Maybe black (not the skin color). It was a very strange movie, and I feel like there are all sorts of things that I could have gotten from it but I didn't. It was still enjoyable though (though poor lucy, expecting a true comedy, hated it!), and I think if I let it stew/replay over and over in my brain I will come to a slightly better understanding of what the hell was going on.

This week is finally over- I felt like it dragged on and on, just because I was physically deteriorated and felt as though my mental state was following that same downward path. I really need a break, but what I need even more is to get myself together. For some reason I haven't been able to think or make myself think at certain points. I don't know whether this is just a taste of real life for me (I have, after all, been used to coasting in most of my classes) or something has changed inside of me. I probably should figure that out before we get back to school- or before we take any really big tests.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

Yech. I am sick, and probably not even at the worst of it yet. I hate being sick; it's the worst feeling in the world. Just a general droopiness and head stuffed with cotton kind of feeling that really gets me down. I didn't go to my game today, because I feared it would make me even worse than I was fated to get (and I think I made the right decision, for once), and instead came home right after school and slept for 2 or 3 hours. When I got up, I had that feeling when you don't know what time it is or what day it is or what you're supposed to be doing. Even now, I'm not too sure.

I'm going to bed- hopefully I can fall asleep after my long nap. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a clear head and nose, and feel a billion times better. That would be very, very nice.

Sunday, December 09, 2001

Interview with myself (and no, I don't usually talk to myself):

Q. What should I be doing right now?
A. Working on my rhetorical essay.

Q. What am I actually doing right now?
A. Writing on this blog (duh) and thinking about my weekend.

Q. Oh! What was so great about your weekend?? (<--- see how easily I'm baited?)
A. Well, let me tell you about it...

My weekend had a lot of high points and a lot of medium points. One of the best was going to see Amelie on saturday night- it is SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!! Everyone should go see it! It was... luminous, and simple, and whimsical, and beautiful, and happy. Just click here and look at her and you'll see what I mean. Or at least get some idea. It really saved my saturday night and was a really perfect few hours.

Before that, I had been sitting around doing homework and talking online- and looking at this site. It's really funny and weird. So if you're bored like I was, yet totally uninspired to do homework, go there and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate.

Happy Hannukah everyone! Tonight is the first night and because my family is weird, I opened all my presents. My favorite of the moment are my sheepskin slippers. They are so warm and cozy! I love them!

I hope this week ahead is a good one. I think a lot of people need it to be.

Saturday, December 08, 2001

I want...

to drive around with the windows down and breathe in cold air with the music playing loudly.

to run as fast as I can as far as I can and then collapse with laughter.

to talk for hours and hours to people I barely know and when I'm done, I want to have a portrait in my mind of them more exact than any photograph.

to lie on my back on the ground in utter darkness and pointing out the stars.

to be somewhere else with other people and not have every conversation loaded with unsaid words and extensive history.

to know what to feel.

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Not a lot to say right now- I just feel obligated to update and so I will try to ramble, and hopefully something good will come out of it.

Right now I'm doing well- just fine. My mom observed that and I would have to say she's right. I'm not sure if I'm fine for all the right reasons, but I'm doing pretty okay. Soccer is fun, classes are okay (but with surprisingly high grades in a few), people are... mostly pretty good. Sometimes I find myself happy in a way that I'm not sure would qualify as happiness under any extensive scrutiny, but if I don't think about it I'm pretty good.

Um... yeah. I think the reason I feel so uninspired is because I haven't had any major mood swings or introspective periods lately, both of which help a lot when writing a journal or blog. For the past 24... maybe 36 hours I've felt kind of neutral about everything.

Sunday, December 02, 2001

My body is behaving strangely towards me. Last night and this morning I felt like I had dust in my throat and I had to keep blowing my nose as if I had allergies or something (which I have never had)- another explanation was that I'm getting sick but I feel fine now. My stomach is also really tense. My mom says it's a "nervous stomach"- not like an upset stomach because I have the flu, just from stress. Something abotu how the middle muscle in your abdomen tenses up a lot- I'm not sure of the exact details. Hopefully the warmth from my hot chocolate will calm it down.

I watched American Beauty last night, which I have been wanting to see again for a week or two. It was AMAZING- just as fabulous as I remember it. Truly absorbing and deep and wonderful. After we finished watching it, I wanted to stay up all night and talk about it and beauty everywhere. We did for a bit, actually, but then drifted on to other topics- mostly a very rewarding evening, friendwise.

Right now I'm avoiding doing my homework- I think I'm feeling tense because of my stomach, which is causing breathing problems (nothing to be alarmed about, though), and I also keep thinking about other things when I was trying to do the chemistry reading. Oh well- only about 40 more pages. I can do that before 10 o'clock easily.

I'm looking forward to going to school tomorrow- there are a lot of people I miss! I wish weekends were longer and more connected with class/sports people. I'll work on that...

Saturday, December 01, 2001

SATs this morning... my head is fuzzy, but I think that's because I'm tired, not because I was thinking too hard. I didn't feel like I did amazingly well- just about okay, I think. I have no idea, though, and I don't want to say I did badly and have people go "Oh no, Emily, I'm sure you did great," or find out I did reasonably and people just mock me for thinking I did badly. So please, no mocking of any sort!

Other than that, not a lot else is new- friday was pretty fun because I got to hang out with friends, and though I wish that that circle could have been expanded, it was cool. We also saw a good australian movie - Proof - which was tense with some very, very funny parts. I don't know why I laughed so hard, actually. For some reason it all just seemed hilarious. Best quotes: "Oh shit! Sorry, Ugly" (when Russell Crowe finds out the cat that he put in the trash can isn't really dead) and "I forgot." (when Martin answers the question "Why were you driving if you've been blind all your life?"). I know most people who are reading this saw it with me (well, a large percent, considering I probably have such a low circulation and at least one of those people saw the movie with me), but the quotes bear repeating.