Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Today was a good day, which was nice. But I'm afraid that sometimes when I'm having a good day, I get too involved in myself and don't think about other people. So everyone whose day/life/hopes and dreams I screwed up by my thoughtlessness:

I'm sorry.

But besides that, today was very organized. I think getting up earlier may help me, surprisingly enough. Though someone laughed at me this morning when they saw I had an AM...

I wish people didn't put up barriers in their minds.

Right now I'm listening to old beatles records, and though I'm not sure if it's the "record" bit or the "beatles" bit that makes me feel comforted and safe, I'll take either explanation.

(Apologies for the lack of continuity- I'm sure all above subjects recquire intense footnotes, but too bad)

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

It's been a long day (I woke up earlier than I've ever had to, for starters), and it's been rife with strange mood swings. But right now I'm feeling good, thanks to a pillow fight with my sister, and I think it's going to last for a while; at least until I go to bed. I am currently very annoyed, though, because I just got a delians email that said the date for NHS hours might have been extended- after all of my stressing, I really do not want to have to go back and try to scrounge up hours. But if it's really been extended until the end of February (!!) then I might have to. And it is a good thing, it's just annoying to have to deal with it after I managed to convince myself that it didn't matter.

Not really much to say. A final thought is that no matter how strange this weather is, I love every part of it, from distinct days to pouring rain. I hope everyone feels the same way; the only thing that could make it better would be a snow flurry, preferably during a soccer game...

Sunday, January 27, 2002

I am listening to Big Brother & the Holding Company (Janis Joplin, you may have heard of her) on my "new" record player and it is the coolest feeling in the world. My dad finally helped me set it up and I am now equipped to listen to vinyl in my own room! The Beatles albums are coming down off the walls for real use. My parents are really into it, because I'm so excited about the crappy sound that's coming out, and because I'm listening to their old records. I have decided that old records are currently on the top of my "coolest things in the world" list. *dances around*
Yaay! It's raining... really hard right when I'm writing, but I've been excited ever since we flew through a big cloud and then noticed water droplets forming on the plane's windows. My mom tried to tell us it was just condensation, but she was WRONG! When we broke through the cloud cover, we saw how black the streets were, and I knew I would be greeted with rain upon landing. And even better, the taxi driver said we're due for three days of storms; I don't know if the best person to rely on for weather predictions is a taxi driver, but I always like believing the people who have opinions I agree with. :-)

Anyways, in case you a) didn't know I left or b) couldn't figure it out by the above about planes and taxis... I'm back from my trip! We went to Tucson for my grandpa's 80th birthday, and I met some very interesting people, aka my family. They are all so cool! Well, I guess cool isn't the best word, but truly interesting and likeable. I learned a lot of things I didn't know about them, and about the world in general, and about books, and about music.

Right now I'm in the mood to peruse used bookstores, but I think I'll just stay home and listen to the rain.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

M * A * S * H

You will marry CHRISTIAN (played by Ewan McGregor) from Moulin Rouge, live in a sparkling elephant at the Moulin Rouge, and spend your days righting wrongs and singing songs because all you need is love (and it helps that it's Ewan McGregregor you're living with ^_^).

What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?

Haha, very cool. I think I fell in love with him in that movie...
And so the night stretches before me, free of school and stress and anything that could possibly cause lines on ones forehead somewhere along the line. It's an amazing feeling knowing you have nothing, absolutely nothing, that you have to do. I've gotten so used to the feeling of looming tests and unfulfilled responsibility that I almost feel like something is missing.

Just think: three more semesters and we are gone. High school will be over. OVER!! And if they go as fast as this last one now seems to have, that day is not too far away. There'll be a whole new kind of respnosibility looming over us, but it might be kind of nice to have a change.

Monday, January 21, 2002

Not really a lot to say tonight- tomorrow begins finals week, as we all know (and for me, it ends on wednesday, but that's another story); and I'm still working on how I should feel about it. But do you know what? I'm not going to worry about that anymore.

In other news... well, there isn't too much other news, because this has basically been a school oriented day for me. And health oriented a little too, I guess- maybe I'm becoming a hypochondriac, but I feel like something's wrong with me. I know always being tired and cold isn't necessarily a symptom of anything, but it feels like it's escalated recently and that does not seem like it could be good. Anyways, I'll keep you updated. Good luck tomorrow, everyone- and bring your math books, because I'm pretty sure we have to turn them in. You didn't here it here if I'm wrong, though.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

I feel really good right now. I haven't been studying, and I haven't been hanging out with anyone, and I haven't been listening to music. I've just been reading, and that's been enough. I've achieve a rare feeling for me, but it's wonderful. It's when I just feel like life is truly beautiful and there's nothing that can change that fact no matter what happens. And more importantly I feel like I've reached a new level of understanding; of what, I'm not always too sure, but it's right whatever it is. Sometimes things just seem clear, and "pure" is the best way to describe my viewpoint of the world. And nothing really matters to me except this feeling. I wish I could put it into better words than those, but at the same time, it seems more sacred to leave things the way they are.

My current reading list for ecstasy:

1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
2. Mrs. Dalloway
3. Violet & Claire
4. The Fountainhead

Friday, January 18, 2002

So I'm feeling a lot better than I did 24 hours ago (when I had just finished throwing up in the John Adams parking lot next to the soccer fields). I guess it really was just one a 24 hour bug. I didn't even know it was possible to feel like shit so recently and now feel fine. Okay, my tummy still hurts a little, but other than that I'm good. Last night was really strange- I went to bed at around 8 30 and slept for a little bit, then woke up, then fell asleep again... all night. I kept having strange thoughts about country music and math. I must have studied too much for my acadeca test, because I kept relating things to Jimmie Rodgers and rockabilly. And the number 7653. That, I really didn't understand.

But I lay in bed all morning and it was pretty nice- just relaxing. Right now I have no desire to do anything else but lie around and listen to music. If something else should come up, that's fine, but at this point I really don't care.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Feels like time to come and update again. What's new? I'll try to make a list:

1) My soccer coach likes me and is a cool person! Yesterday at my game we realized that we thought a lot alike, and then I spent the bus ride home talking to her. It was a rewarding experience. I love the feeling of finding someone you can talk to.

2) Finals are next week, and I have an acadeca test tomorrow, so I should be studying. But of course, I haven't been able to force myself to start yet. Oh wait, that's not new. But it is nice not to worry too much about these tests, even though they probably deserve more thought than I'm giving them.

3) Today Lucy and I were able to use our emergency money and to Jamba Juice after practice! It was a lot of fun, but the best part was pouring out pennies into the cashier's hand. *smiles to herself*

4) An urge to go to used book and music stores and immerse myself in them. Oh, and maybe set up a record player in my room.

5) Dashboard Confessional - download "age six racer" and "again I go unnoticed" and "the places you have come to fear the most" and whatever else you can find... because it's good music. That is, if you like that sort of thing, which is a kind of emo/folk sound which I'm into at the moment.

Sunday, January 13, 2002

It's been a few days since I updated, and just to let those of you know who were worried, it's not because I was wallowing in my own depression for days. Even after I wrote that last post, I felt better. And now, I feel like I don't even know the me who wrote that entry. I'm sure she's lurking somewhere, not even too far away, ready to come back at any moment. But right now I have my defenses up and things are going well.

Actually, that's all I really have to say. This was overall a good weekend, and quite relaxing. I had fun with a lot of people, and school shouldn't be too bad this next week. Except for when I think about the fact that next week is the last week before finals, I get a little scared. But other than that, everything is good.

Sorry for the lack of interesting content. I'll work on having higher highs and lower lows so I can post something exciting.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

this is bad. it's almost 10 30 pm and i have no reason to still be awake, but i am. and i'm not only awake, i'm feeling very... quiet and grey, but not in a peaceful sort of way. maybe peaceful because there's really no emotions in me right now, but i can't call it that because there's something eating away at me and i don't know what it is. and so i sit here, trying to communicate this feeling of loneliness to anyone who's out there, because i am a self-centered person and i want people to read this and feel sorry for me. and send me nice emails and give me hugs and make me feel wanted. the thing that i don't understand in my own longings is that when i think about it, i do have all of these things. i have friends. i had a good conversation today with someone i've always wanted to be close to. i even spoke up in class, no matter how nervewracking and strange it is for me. so this should have been a good day, right? but for some reason it's not. something's missing and i can't define it or name it or even sketch out a rough outline. maybe that's the worst thing, not knowing. i don't know. i don't know a lot right now. (my mom just came in and asked if i was okay, if there was anything i wanted to talk about... and i told her i have nothing to say.)

so... this is me right now. listening to "nothing else matters" and feeling the need to understand what i'm thinking. and offering it to you, whoever you are, even if i haven't talked to you forever or ever. take it or leave it.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

Do you know what? Today was a good day. I almost forgot in my tired, slightly stressed, but school today was fun. Wow. That memory actually surprised me.

Yeah... so today was fun. I'm not sure whether it was the lack of interaction with some people, or the fact that I did talk with other people, but something about the chemistry was right and I talked so much that my throat hurt, because it was the kind of talking where you always have the sound of a laugh in your voice. It's so much fun to talk to people when you're always ready to laugh; sometimes it makes my cheeks and temples hurt, but it's a good kind of pain. (er, sounds a bit masochistic, but you know what I mean).

Then I came home and slept, because I'm still not used to all of this soccer and school going on. I need to get back into school mode. Tonight I got there, but only after a reading an addictive "depressing teen who gets in control of her life after much self-contemplation" book that my sister brought home (it was good- called speak for anyone that's interested in that genre), and then trying to do my laundry and realizing how dependent I am. Sad, really. But then I forced myself to work, and when I didn't understand something, made myself sit there until I understood it. It's a studying technique I use surprisingly rarely.

And I've been listening to "A Long December" by the Counting Crows on repeat. I want to share it with everyone- so get to your aimster or whatever illegal music sharing device you have and download it!

Monday, January 07, 2002

So tired right now... my eyes keep almost shutting. I had a soccer game today (v. Peninsula), and we lost 5-0. Other than that, it was a pretty good game. For me, it was nice to play without feeling inexplicably dizzy every time I ran. Instead, it was replaced by the old familiar of exhaustion with a reason. Kind of nice, actually. But right after I got off the field, I was stricken with a horrible headache. With a little mommy-chiropractic care, an ice pack, and a short nap, it was all better; but it did leave me pretty dead.

Back to school today- the Monday of all Mondays. It was a pretty shitty day, overall. Strange nervous/annoyed feelings for most of the day, which was not the best state of mind to take standardized tests in (with which to take standardized tests...) Anyways, I'm so sick of bubbling in little circles and number two pencils that I could cry. And to think I have two more days... I already know that stanford 9/AP season will be hell simply for that reason.

All right- I'm going to go and make an effort at being responsible by practicing clarinet. No other homework (at least, I hope no chem; I have no verifications on that). So an early night for me, thank god.

Sunday, January 06, 2002

I just had to stop several online conversations to grab the digital camera and hang out of my parent's bedroom window to take pictures of the sunset. It was breathtakingly beautiful- and amazing to me that such an astounding sight is so fleeting and temporary. It must have lasted 20 minutes at the most, and though it may be gorgeous tomorrow, it won't be quite the same. I plan to post pictures if I can get it together soon.

Everyone who doesn't live close enough to the beach to see this should come to my house and be prepared to be awed... my mom says they're supposed to be like this for the next week or so.
Sunday afternoon. Last day of winter break. 4 00 pm. It all sounds so final, doesn't it? But it doesn't reallly feel that way to me; it just feels transitional. I'm switching into school mode (just finished up my chemistry), and school-weekend mode: that horrible feeling of having homework looming even when you can't figure out what it is, and then the urge to go out and utilize these last free moments before another week (5 days, about 6 hours spent in class each day and this week, at least 10 hours devoted to soccer).

It's strange that when I write this, I feel kind of emotional about it, whereas I've decided to define my emotional state for the last 48 hours or so as "negligible" (but I don't think imood has it on the list). The truth is, I've been living my life for the past few days in a kind of stupor. Not really enjoying myself, but not hating anything either. The most alive I've felt is when reading about other people finding beauty in the world around them. I've been bombarded by that message from all sides recently, and I try to appreciate it; but right now I'm in nod-and-smile mode, where nothing really matters.

Friday, January 04, 2002

La di da... online reading poetry (and have been for the past x amount of hours- way too long). I've reached the stage where I'm absorbing the words, and letting my eyes scroll over the screen, but I lack a connection to much of what I'm reading. Too much computer screen glare, I suppose. Still, it's good seeing other people create so much out of simple words. I love words, I really do.

Thursday, January 03, 2002

I just finished Mrs. Dalloway, by Virginia Woolf, and it is without a doubt one of the most beautiful, astounding books (actually, more like simply a rush of words) that I have ever read. I recommend it to anybody who wants to be amazed.

In other news... time is running out for this break. Tomorrow, at 3 08, it's just another weekend. Overall, I think it's been good. Definitely a relief. But we'll see the true overal reaction in about 72 hours.

And I saw Lord of the Rings last night. A very good experience. I have to go back and read the books!

Tuesday, January 01, 2002

Happy New Year's, everybody! (even though it just feels like another day...)

My New Year's "celebration," as it were, made me really happy. I just gave up on planning what was going to happen and sat back and let it happen. Something I should really start doing more. Hmmm... maybe that can be a resolution type thing. Well, even if it's not officially my new year's resolution, it's going to be something I make an effort towards doing. Less pressure that way.

Good luck and good health to all for the coming year!