Friday, May 31, 2002

My computer is back! Oh, how I missed it. How I hated typing on that stupid mac keyboard where you had to press twice as hard and three times as specifically to get the words to register. It's good to have my music back, and be in my own little space again. No more parents in the background, or a sister sitting right next to me.

I was in a bad mood today after chamber. A weird mood all day, actually- I go around not absorbing too much until I'm around certain people. Then my senses go into overload- I become superbly aware of where they are and what they're saying and how close our skin is to touching. But I did other things too: play Hinklefinnieduster (I think that's what it's called), reconnected with someone, posed for a few photographs.

But then after-chamber came, and I was reminded of things. It's another thing that shouldn't bother me anymore but still does. That's at least two for today, as a matter of fact. What's weird is that I'm not dwelling in the past. I feel something, but not to the extent that I would have a few months ago. I'm not sure what's going on with this deadening. Maybe it's closure, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's something chemical. Strangeness.

Now I will go do something. Stay online for a bit and fix my favorites. Or read. Or study. We'll see.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Blech. Am in an annoyed sort of mood for no particular reason. Ever just feel like there's something you want to do, and you don't know what it is besides the fact it's exactly the opposite of what your parents want you to be doing at that exact moment? Exactly.

We're starting a women's lit unit in english and I'm quite excited. The only problem is that I always struggle with the idea of lauding or condemning an author just based on gender (or race or religion or sexual preference or anything other term you can possibly draw a dividing line with). But it should be quite fun; my mom pointed out some books that she thinks I should read. Hopefully I'll be able to read all of them and actually use the unit for what it is (a real english class) instead of being disillusioned and annoyed. This will depend on a) how motivated I am and b) how much sleep I get. So I'll work on both of those.

Monday, May 27, 2002

Someone sent me a "Someone Likes You" email, so I put in everyone's email address that I could remember off the top of my head. So if you get one and you do not like me, don't be alarmed (ie Jocelyn, Kai....) I hate these things, but I must know who sent it to me! Tell me if you know!

In other news, the day has been going by slowly and summerly (is that a word?) Did various errands, took a walk, read a bit, practiced... quite nice. I vaguely want to see people at school, but I could take this existence for a while longer.

Sunday, May 26, 2002

Just finished reading Pride and Prejudice. I had started it a while ago, but I think I was too young to wrap my head around the language. Today it caused no problem, though, and I fell in love with Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, as I'm sure countless other teenage girls have over the years. It was a delightful book.

It'll also help me in quiz bowl, because according to Gaida (and he's right) they love Jane Austen. There are more questions about her than Shakespeare.

Other than that, I have been doing absolutely nothing. I've barely even been eating. But it's been so enjoyable to curl up with a good book, and wander around a house that smells like flowers. Sometimes I really need time alone, and though I'm afraid I'll get depressed if I go for too long without leaving the house, it hasn't struck so far.

Saturday, May 25, 2002

I got a 1520 on my SATs.

I was unbearably happy, dancing and screaming and all that other foolishness one would expect- but all of a sudden I've lost my insane enthusiasm and I just feel like grinning. *grins*

Last night my dad had a house concert, so our living room/dining room was filled with unusual music and people. I enjoyed myself immensely, as always coming away with a new appreciation for my parents and for adults in general. I met some really nice people and did the college talk, of course, but there was also a lot of easy conversation that added a little more kindling to the hope of future relationships in strange settings. Flamenco guitar is truly amazing, by the way- especially live, because no matter how closely you watch the guitarist's fingers, the sounds seem to be coming faster than is physically possible.

This weekend is stretching ahead of me like a gift- I feel like there is so much time and so little to do, that the ratio is practically impossible (get it? dividing by zero...? sorry.) But it's such a nice day and everything smells so good, and there just seems to be a lot of possibility in the air.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

I've tried to update several times since my last post and have had way too many issues to deal with- don't worry, it wasn't anything exciting. Not that this will be, I just have an urge to write before tearing the house apart to find my calc book.

Today was the second round of acadeca testing- Caroline and I alternated reading questions for one of the rooms. It was amazing- the entire nerd population of SAMO was consolidated into one room. Reminiscent of chem concepts of separating mixtures; through distillation or filtration or whatever you choose, the nerd element was separated and suspended in Gaida's room, the ultimate nerd habitat. And by the way, that's a good thing.

Also- what else? The trends in my thoughts recently have been towards college and summer, two concepts which both fall under the category of "freedom." Every summer since middle school has surpised me with the level of independence I've attained, and I'm anxious to see what this one holds. First summer I can drive, now that I think of it. Doesn't feel too different after the amount of time I've had my license, but something about the season makes things like that seem a lot more special.

Monday, May 13, 2002

GRRR- there was a weezer show at the whisky tonight (FREE!) and I missed it. I probably wouldn't have gotten tickets anyways, and also wouldn't have made it on time, but I didn't even get a chance! It's crazy to think of tons of people rocking out to weezer RIGHT NOW less than 30 miles away. No fair!

At least I get to buy Maladroit tomorrow.

And after all, it's nice enough to be over with chemistry. The AP is still ahead, of course, but this was really what my grade in the class depended on, and all of my hard-core studying is probably over. And then it was a beautiful summer night that felt even more like summer because of Pancho's and walking at night and smelling jasmine. I love the smell of night blooming jasmine- sitting outside in the dark, with random chemical formulas and childhood stories being tossed around, I just closed my eyes and breathed in as deeply as I could. It almost overpowered me.

So 27 days left of school (not counting finals), 2 days until the AP, and less than 12 hours before I can buy my cd. And we get to sleep in tomorrow, of course. Not going to AM is a luxury, but going to school at 12 15 seems like a miracle.

Sunday, May 12, 2002

It's been a good weekend so far, even with AP chem rushing ever closer. I've managed to sleep, and listen to good music, and sing and dance a bit too.

Funny Girl was good, and Erin Krozek was amazing. She was totally perfect for the part, and I was lucky to see it on a day where it apparently went so well. Matt said it was one of the best shows so far. Then the requisite (but for a good reason!) hugs and congratulations for the cast, and we went out to dinner. Another good experience, because a self-deprecating republican is a funny republican.

I made my mom a card (another example of creativity blossoming in the face of standardized tests), and this morning we went down to the boardwalk and sat in the hot sun and ate amazing food. I was so full and warm that I wanted to curl up in the sun and just let it all sink in, UV rays and all.

Chem seems totally pointless- I'm studying, but at this point I'm just doing practice problems and getting things wrong and not really learning anything. I feel like anything I'll do for chem tonight won't really benefit me on either test.

Oh, and when your addled brains need a break, go here and click on the link on the bottom of the page. It'll make you laugh (at the stupidity), it'll make you cry (at the state of the world today that allows this sort of thing to happen). Definitely qualifies as "art" then, eh?

Thursday, May 09, 2002

AP English this morning. I think it went pretty well; depends how much I think about it, though. By the time we get our scores back, I'm sure I will have totally forgotten the nervous stomach and the fast breathing and too much ice water. At that point, it'll be the day where I bubble in a bunch of bubbles and wrote some mediocre essays; at that point, it will probably be nearly indistinguishable from many other days in my life.

It already feels like a while ago because I've watched two movies between "pencils down... and that means put your pencils on the desk... don't forget to put your pencils down because you can get in trouble for not putting your pencils down" and now. Went to see Spiderman instead of lunch/acadeca/track, just the easy-to-follow-bad-dialogue-cute-lead-actor combination I needed to let my brain relax. Then came home and watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. A very strange movie; trippy (my current favorite word), if you will. But a lot of fun, though the combination of the two has left me totally braindead and unmotivated to study for chem or even find out if I have any homework in any of my other classes.

Nevertheless, my plans for the next 72 (or so) hours are: studying. And then studying. And then going to the play. Then more studying. I'm sure there will be a lot of sleep/music/wasted time in there too, but if I pretend I don't see it coming, then it can happen without me feeling guilty about it.

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

So. STAR 9 testing is dumb, but infinitely rewarding because it's fun to do mental math and answer questions that recquire you to know the meaning of "allure." Simple math always reminds me of math team, which was a lot of fun (especially in 4th grade, when we kicked ass! except didn't call it that, obviously). And it's just nice to look at something and immediatley know how to find the solution; especially after flailing and ultimately drowning on a certain math test the day before.

Yes, testing is basically my life at this moment, at least my public life. It's truly one of the only things I hear conversations about. And yet I can only get myself to study one chapter of chemistry a night, and for some reason have a mental block against the thermodynamics chapter. I just can't deal with it at the moment.

And meanwhile, life, with all of the random conversations and schemes and meaningless plans that entails, continues on.

Sunday, May 05, 2002

Am downstairs, realizing what a truly nice house I live in. Windows behind muslin curtains opened enough to let fresh smelling spring air in along with the sounds of birds (and airplanes). A few blocks from the beach, though I haven't gone in months and my sister, who does go, is too lazy to walk and really enjoy the weather. And my parents (who aren't home) surprise me sometimes too. They do classic "cool parents" things, like giving advice to my friends and making funny jokes and staying out of the way when necessary. If I didn't live with them, I'd want to, at the least from the way they act in public. It's strange because I do have periods when I appreciate them as people, but recently those loving feelings have been overshdowed by stress and a sense of violation and the desperate need to get out of the house. But they surprise me.

In other news, I'm in a state of mind where I do things and don't really think about what they mean. Like trying to get everyone to dance with me, or talking to people even when I know this might cause someone else emotional difficulty. Just because I live in my own head a lot of the time, and if I'm happy, that's enough for me. Is that selfish, or healthy?

Thursday, May 02, 2002

Ooh. So this is the first time I've been online in very long time, because after that whol cable fiasco, we decided my computer was sick and sent it away to be fixed. Even if they do nothing else, at least they can fix the cd-rom drive. Hope it's not some simple problem that any of my computer-inclined friends could have fixed, and the guys at wherever my mom took it are mocking my lack of knowledge.

But of all time to not have a looming distraction in my room (I'm downstairs typing on this annoying keyboard on a computer with an annoying default font), this is the best. I'm finally coming home and working instead of taking "breaks" that end up with me getting involved in conversations or else staring at the computer screen listening to random music. Another plus: I get to listen to my cds more, instead of depending on mp3s.

So there's a lot work to be done, and I'm feeling reasonably confident about it all. I keep reminding myself that there's two weeks until the chem ap, and I have no real reason to be worried. As long as someone can help me with all of this free response crap. Oh, and restrain me from strangling ms. wexler.

I'll come back when I have a chance, but I doubt there will be much to say. Good luck to all on these god-awful tests!