Thursday, June 27, 2002

It's off to New Hampshire for me tomorrow. It's only for the weekend, but it seems like an incredibly long time. Summer days have that quality. It's partially the fact that it gets dark so late, but even so, waking up a few hours before noon would seem to work against the long-day effect. Still, every day seems to stretch on, amazing amounts of possiblities even when it's seven thirty in the evening. So I feel like I'll be missing a lot.

But I have books to read, and my nails are done, and a cute dress to wear. I think I can survive.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Right now there is a firework show somewhere in the immediate area and it's making me incredibly nervous. I can't see anything in the sky, so all I hear are loud noises that haven't stopped for the past five minutes. I know nothing's wrong, but my shoulders are still tense.

In other news... I came out of my history class tonight and was waiting on the sidewalk, idly listening to a pair of people next to me. They were new with each other, I could tell. She was talking about her major in a voice designed to connote confidentiality, and he was empathizing and making nervous jokes. There was a lull, and he said "Um, do you want to go get coffee or something?" She smiled and nodded, and they walked off together, still making small talk and still overly aware of how close their bodies were to each other. I don't know what happened after that, and I'll never find out. But it was comforting to see that happen, to see a small connection get made. And maybe an entire future will come of it.
I'm listening to Pavement and shamelessly self-advertising on this stupid Brag Sheet. I don't know why it's so hard, but for every good paragraph I write I have to get up, wander around, listen to a song or two or eat a cookie. And then check everything possible online. Then, and only then, am I able to write about what makes me "unusual as a person or a learner."

I just feel kind of passive today. I slept strangely, and even though I had hoped to be inspired into lucid dreamstate, none appeared. Instead, I rolled around waiting for my alarm to go off, checking the time every few minutes so I could give myself permission to get up. I had lots of strange thoughts, but I've tried to forget them because I've already gotten confused between sleepthoughts and reality a few times.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

I just saw the most amazing movie, and though my eyelids were closing under the weight of the concepts and the heat of the room, I have a new rush of energy and want to write about it. Waking Life is first of all amazing for the visuals; it's animated over real film, and there are so many different styles of animation going on at once that a friend was prompted to remark "Can anyone say 'acid trip'?"

But the ideas... the words... the sheer power of vocabulary. One character discussed the idea of language as borne out of our desparate need for connection, and even as I was agreeing with what she said, I realized that my simple act of recognizing truth in her statement was exactly what she was talking about. Even moving in day to day life, there is no escaping these concepts which guide us. You'd think they would only be appropriate for late night conversations or intellectual debates, but they run so deeply in every facet of our life that it's folly not to consider them daily.

I only take such a strong viewpoint on the appropriateness of considering such concepts when, say, walking down the halls at school, because I do it myself. Too much, sometimes. I've gone days where I think about the futility of life everywhere I turn, and every song and conversation and movie that I run into pushes me back into pensive mode.

I'm watching it again tomorrow, and I think I'll be tempted to take notes.
I've started working on my brag sheet. It's fun being effusive about myself, but on the other hand, I feel extremely egocentric and vain doing it. Anyone who reads what I've written (especially those who actually know me) will probably scoff to themselves, asking "Who is she kidding!?" I've only written a few things that I really believe are true, and the rest is unadulterated "fluff" (the word we used before we said we "bulshitted" our essays).

It makes me angry that this is even necessary. The fact that every prospective college student in the nation is doing their best to play up their good qualities has got to have admissions officers on alert. Of course we're not going to mention the bad stuff, and of course euphemisms carry the day. That's what college admissions is all about: spin doctoring. It's just an image competition, and I'm tired of it before it's even begun. It's more of a popularity contest than school elections are purported to be-- the popularity rating, in this case, on who presents the best "candidate face" to the board. I just hope that what I wrote about myself that I actually believe in won't get lost in all the other padding.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

What's weird about me (besides the fact I post too much and get too introspective in a subconscious effort to make people understand me better so I don't have to tell them all individually about my neuroses, so that my life is like a book with an omniscient narrator where I can see into other people's brains and they can see into mine) is so many things that I can't begin to count. But one is the way that I deal with friendships.

I remember reading a seventeen article one time where a girl complained about 'dry spells.' How when she was looking for a boyfriend, no one ever liked her, but when she was involved with a guy, three more were in line. I feel the same way a lot when it comes to friendships. Not the two extremes of people lining up to hang out with me vs. calendar pages filled with blank days, but sometimes I feel like I have so many people in my life that plans are overwhelming (note the 'feel'; I'm very rarely overwhelmed with plans), and sometimes I feel like no one cares about me. I think the fact that both these perceptions are untrue to some extent should show me how much of my real reactions I base on life inside of my head, but so far, logic has failed to make too much of an impact.

I guess it just doesn't make sense to me when I have someone who wants to do something with me and I stay home reading, even though I would like to be out with them too. It doesn't make sense when I meet someone I want to be friends with and don't ask them for their number, and then write my number in countless people's yearbooks who probably have no interest in doing anything with me. Most of all, what doesn't make sense is the frantic feeling I get when I think about these things. Or the persistent idea that no one really knows me. If I complain about the fact that I tell too much to people who by definition don't know me, how can I feel like my closest friends don't know who I really am?

My best answer for that is that I don't understand me any better than they do. And some of them probably have their own hypotheses about my motives that are more viable than my own. It's strange because I know several people who are very aware of themselves. They're aware of how they are now, and how they got to be that way. The reasons behind the way they act, and the ways they want to change themselves to become the person they want to be. I don't know that about myself. I have sketchy guesses and obtuse hypotheses, but when you boil them all down, I don't think they mean much.

My goal this summer is to understand myself better.

Friday, June 21, 2002

I just woke up from a three hour nap- needed, yes, but not what I wanted to do with my afternoon/early evening. 8 o'clock seems too late to start anything, so I might end up sitting at my computer during the longest day of the year. Oh well... at least other people are doing the same thing.

Thursday, June 20, 2002

AAAWWW!!! Mrs. Rubin emailed me to thank me for the book I gave her. She is the sweetest thing in the world. *warm fuzzy feeling*

Tonight was graduation, which seemed a lot less monumental than it should have been. This is speaking as a band member, of course, who was suffering through hot sun and wind blowing away my music and a very low tolerance for bad speeches. But as each senior ('graduate') walked down the ramp, shook hands with Kelly (who looked happy to see them even if he probably didn't recognize them at all), received their envelope and took off their caps, I was wondering what was going through their heads. And what will be going through mine when I follow that same path. From my chair, I predict that I will be constantly reminding myself that this is it. This is what it all leads up to, this is the ceremony that means 13 years of schooling is over. I think that the ceremony itself doesn't matter as much as understanding what it represents, but when the moment comes and I realize that I have graduated from high school, I'm sure amazement will hit me like a punch in the stomach. Because it is so surreal when you think about it; when you think about all of this. The passage of time, the fact that so many familiar faces will be gone next year, the idea that in exactly a year the names will include those people with whom I've shared so much... it's astounding.

And then the glorious fact that summer is truly upon us, and the days of little to no responsibility have begun. That's a lot easier to accept.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

And just a few hours after that post, I feel much better. Another sign of summer beginning today- I went to the beach and had this summer's baptismal dip in the ocean, which was much warmer than I would have expected, as well as being such a pure pleasure that I vowed (as I do every year) to go every day. I miss the beach so much when it's been months since I smelled salt on my body and tasted it on my lips.

I had a wonderful time, with a few of my friends and a few of my sister's friends (both sets were complimented by the other sister). If this is my summer, I will be very happy. *skips off humming 'Under the Sea'*
Sometimes (such as today) I feel extremely alone. I never think people care about me as much as I convince myself they must, because if they don't, then I'm really in trouble. But one thing I have trouble dealing with is watching groups and being alone, or watching those groups while I'm with someone I don't really want to be with, or I wish I could be doing more with than I'm going to be able to.

One thing that I think is truly wonderful about this world of ours is small gestures of appreciation. A word, a smile, an unexpected hug. These can make people's day. Feeling wanted can make you feel so good about yourself. My problem with this is that I always feel like I'm the one making these gestures and never on the receiving end. I'm fairly sure that most people feel this imbalance in most of their relationships, always assuming themselves to be the giver (unless you have a stalker). But.. but... I don't know, what else can I say? People are probably nicer to me than I give them credit for, but I don't think anything besides the very small part of my brain labeled 'rational thought' can understand that right now.

Monday, June 17, 2002

I feel good because I just did my last assignment for all of junior year; and besides that astounding achievement, I actually feel like it was good.

One thing I don't understand is jealousy. How we feel the need to compete with other people, to be more admired, more looked at, more appreciated. Especially when we have confirmation that we are, indeed, the top of someone's list. Why does that feeling always creep back? I can partially blame this society, where competition and getting on top is basically the way of life. We've been taught since childhood that to succeed, we must do certain things, live up to certain expectations. And most of all, there can be only one winner.

Someone tell me that it's not true. Or at least isn't true all of the time.

Sunday, June 16, 2002

I should really be studying for my math final right now, but I simply don't care. I probably know the stuff, and if I don't, then... we'll just see. I'm just feeling very apathetical towards school right now, because for all intents and purposes it's over. Too bad the teachers don't understand that. Or the administrators who are insisting that we have an essay final for english. Oh well, 5 more days (technically), but a lot less in reality.

There are so many songs that I used to listen to that bring me back to that time. It's amazing the power music can have. I think our sense memories from music are only surpassed by memories that are brought on by scents. Those can be overpowering. I've walked into a room and smelled a scent that I knew so well, but couldn't figure out where it was from. It's such a frustrating feeling to try to pin down the source of your memory, and have it elude you every time. Another thing that happens with for me is lines from books or movies. I get a line in my head, or an inflection of a certain word, and I can't rest until I figure out where it's from. But I usually do better with words than with smells.

Saturday, June 15, 2002

Summer- I can smell it in the air, feel it in the warmth of the sun, hear it in my friend's laughs. I keep coming back to the thought that this year is over, and summer is almost almost here. When faced with simple statements: our junior year is over. The seniors will be gone. We will be the ones people are missing next year... what do you do? How do you respond to something so simple, yet so complicated? I've done a lot of things- cried a little, enjoyed being with people I love, sat quitely appreciating things, and kept stating these realizations over and over. Thinking about them in the grand scheme of things makes them even more surreal. I feel like time is rushing by, but also that it's going incredibly slowly. My mind is full of paradoxes.

Most of last night was unadulterated bliss, though. There's something amazing about curling up with your friends and listening to old music and singing at the top of your lungs. When we were all singing, there was this vibration through my body, coming from both sides. But even when we were quiet, the warmth left from that feeling was still there. Because I was there, in that moment, with people I love. And it made things beautiful, but it also just made things feel okay. Okay as in everything was under control, everything was right, everything will work out for the best.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Today was very long and very nice. It's feeling more and more like summer every day, from the lightness of my backpack to the feeling of goodbye to the fact that's it light at 8 o'clock and the air smells so good!

School was mostly yearbooks and laughter, and after school Lauren and Lindsey came by the track!! It was so great seeing them, and I finally got their number so hopefully we can hang out. They are such wonderful people.

Lucy and I did various things, and with her dragging alongside me, I managed to almost completely resolve my summer. I feel so much better now- I actually have an answer to the ubiquitous question, and I don't feel like anything is hanging over my head. That's why it really feels like summer, I think. I can honestly say that at this moment, I have no real obligations. The math final doesn't count yet.

I feel like humming to myself as I walk around in the night air and admire the beautiful crescent moon we have tonight.

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

I guess the Lakers just won. I can hear screams and fireworks and horns coming from outside. Good job, Lakers.

Someone told me recently that they thought devotion to a sports team was better than devotion to one's country (ie overt patriotism Sakow-style. I give you a quote: "you're a communist if you miss the cymbal solo in the star-spangled banner"). I can't say that I agree, but it's a lot simpler, that's for sure. It would truly be better if we were all devoted to poets or musicians, who didn't compete but just created. We wouldn't fight wars over this sort of thing, because the tension wouldn't be there. I just think it's dangerous when a large group of people gets too devoted to one thing. Mob mentality invariably develops, and mobs are ugly things. This should probably lead into a personal opinion treatise on my view of this sort of thing, but I can't find it in me to care. How silly.

Monday, June 10, 2002

Disney Princesses
Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

Hooray! She's my favorite. And I actually answered all the questions honestly instead of trying to find out what the 'right' answer was.

Okay. Bed. Really.
I finished my creative project!!!

Just a dumb periodic trend chart that took me way too long to make, because of various programs having issues and switching computers and finally realizing you can make stupid arrows on stupid word. Oh well, it's done, and that's one more thing to cross off my list. If she doesn't accept it, I will cry. And then perhaps hit her.

Sunday, June 09, 2002

I did a lot of stuff yesterday and then stayed up too late, so even though straining to keep my eyes open and my wit sharp at 1 am was fun, it's taken its toll today. Today when I felt utterly defeated about finding a job (even though I probably will), scared about playing in front of people who can't tell the difference anyway, and entirely uninteresting.

There are things I want to say to people but can't yet, people I want to say 'hi' to, but probably shouldn't. So much. So much nonsensical thought and self-repression and so many questions that aren't being answered.

I want to go to college for the same reasons as before, except even more so. I just want to have something settled.

Thursday, June 06, 2002

I went on a great run today. We ran along the beach and then through a tunnel that placed us at PCH and Channel. We ran through the streets and felt like we were in a totally different world. If there had been fewer cars, it would have been even more exciting, but it was cool to just keep moving until we found the place we were going. Then up 195 steps (I didn't count, they were labeled) and we were back on 4th and San Vicente, in the world we know so well.

And what else happened today? Something good. Oh! During lunch, I was coming back from Coffee Bean and heard the sound of an electric guitar. We altered our route slightly and saw Max playing in the quad. It was surreal; I wanted to be seeing the school through a camera lens. The shot would start with the front of the school and pan slowly, zooming in on moments: a fight, a kiss, a girl applying makeup. All with this wild guitar sound in the background. Then I'd zoom so quickly towards Max that the viewer would feel momentarily dizzy, and when they recovered, there he would be, playing his guitar in the center of everything. It would be sweet. (and by sweet, I mean totally cool :-) )

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

I just looked outside and saw that night had fallen. It was a momentarily disturbing experience; I had a few fleeting thoughts about how out of touch we are with it all. I was buried in my math homework and mp3s and didn't realize that this entirely natural phenomenon had occurred. Very strange to all of a sudden think about the bubble that we live in.

Besides that, today was routine. More than routine- boring. I'm getting so tired of school, and even though we have less than three weeks left, it's very little reassurance because I don't want to think about the summer. I want to think about (and I do, dream even) long nights and lying in the sun and swimming and general laziness and spontaneity, but I have to do something else and I don't know what it is. And I don't want to think about the possibility of not being able to find a job and not taking a class and everything being bad. Please let it not be bad.

I had a few truly good moments today, though. And I ran and finished my tutoring (thank god she changed the hours!). So life was not totally pointless.

Tuesday, June 04, 2002

Today had some rough spots, but I cheered up around 3 when I heard about the Kivel's band. Jesse was so funny talking about it! He wouldn't stop, and he kept repeating himself. I want to hear them at the talent show. I think I know other people playing too, so it will be worth going.

My. It's almost 11. I got home about 20 minutes ago from working on the powerpoint presentation. Powerpoint is so much fun!

I hope that the days to come resemble this afternoon (mininap included) instead of other parts of today. That would be nice. And now to bed I go.

Monday, June 03, 2002

Sometimes I worry because when I have nothing to do, sleep is my default. I know I've read that a constant desire for sleep is a sign of depression, and I don't think I'm depressed, but something is not right. I think there's too many things that I want to have and I can't, and too much that I should be doing and I don't want to do, and too much time going by with not enough being done, and too many feelings that don't make sense. Just too much.

So I will listen to "Time of the Season" and hope that someone comes on so that I can talk to them. But soon I'll be in bed and drift away to disturbing dreams. And then I'll get up and go to band and be bored, and go to math and not pay attention even though I should. And the day will go on. And life will go on.

Good night.

Sunday, June 02, 2002

I like reading my own blog. Does that make me weird?

Anyways, had a filling evening, with satisfying company and food. Excellent burgers; I didn't know that my dad had it in him to barbecue so well. Finished my essential homework, but because I spent the afternoon sleeping and having a series of very strange dreams (I have a feeling I came up with a big theory about life and time, but I'm not sure what it is anymore), I have decided to postpone Eurasian capitals, etc. until a later date and just start on Africa so I can ace next week's test. I'll learn it eventually, don't worry. But not by tomorrow.

And there are only three more weeks of school left! A very strange concept, because I still have to tie down my summer plans. Also scary because of the usual 'ohmygod where has the time gone' reasons, ie we have three weeks left of our junior year in high school and after that there's only one more year and in six months all of our college apps will be in and the next phase of our life will be on the verge of beginning. But first, gotta get through these next three weeks.
Entitled: Something I Think About a Lot

How much do I read into other people's emotions, and how much are they feeling that they just don't want to tell me? I assume people are thinking certain things (ie they're madly in love with me, etc.) and so I try to tease it out of them, convinced that the only reason that the words aren't coming out is because of some strange restraint they have, be it shyness or fear of commitment or something else. I convince myself of these things, but I don't know how often they are true. So I end up being the one who makes advances, being the first one who broaches a subject or reaches out for a hug. A lot of the time, I think over with my relationships with people and wonder about the give and take ratio; how much do they know about me vs. how much I know about them, the amount of information I pour out lined up against what they decide to tell me.

And I don't know whether that's a healthy way to live or not. It can't be good to always put thoughts into people's heads, as if their thought bubbles had a little "I ------ Emily and think she's -----" (fill in the blanks) option. But being open can lead to reward or disappointment. It's a risk, because you never know if people are going to reciprocate or not. And I don't think that I'm the most open person in the world; I don't sit down and tell my life story to strangers. But I feel like I have more of a tendency towards confidences than other people.

I would be really interested to know what anyone thinks about this. So comment (um, if my comments are still up- I'll have to check that) or email me.

Now I will study. Really.
I feel so guilty whenever I cancel on people. Or don't go to things that I've made a commitment to. I'm sure some people have better coping mechanisms for this than I do, but I just get physically uncomfortable and mentally frantic, and I'm unable to concentrate on whatever I'm doing. It takes me a while to get out of this state, but it needs to happen because I have an insane amount of information to learn.

Now that I think about it, I have these weird physical reactions to a lot of things. My stomach clenches up so easily, and it gets harder to breathe. It happens when I think about certain things, or have been away from some people too long, or do stuff like cancel on people. I don't know if it happens to other people, but it must to some extent, or I might need some help.

This is why I need to learn how to meditate.

Saturday, June 01, 2002

So, I guess after fixing the html a billion times (okay, four or five) and continually redownloading this stupid (not really, quite nice) template, I might as well actually update. Hmmm. Too bad there's not really that much to say.

Today was my long day, and it was long, as expected. The SAT IIs already seem like a long time ago, because they were so early and I slept in between. Nice nap, actually made me feel alive instead of a walking zombie. Then two concerts, the first of which was pretty pathetic. But I didn't care because I don't care about band. In fact, no one cares about band.

Then orchestra- it would have been sad when they made all the speeches, but there's another concert next week. If they give him the same award again, I will not be happy. Still, I felt mildly teary when I heard his choked up voice over the speakers. The music did some strange things, but it was overall good.

Now I'm home and exhausted and wasting my night (though my blog does look very nice, thanks melike!). I'm just so tired, and everything I think about makes me angry or sad or bored. But I'm not in a bad mood. Just a mood.